On Herrings
Todd Bersley
Herrings are the most popular fish in the world. Herrings are usually found swimming in large bodies of water with other herrings. This schooling nature tends to inspire erudition in the liberal arts, and many philosophically adept papers are published each year by herrings, generally under pseudonyms. Herrings eat plankton, seaweed, and small hairy worms, rarely touching lasagna or the occasional pheasant. This gives them a lovely flavor making them smashing appetizers at formal parties. Many people believe that herrings are sedate and peaceful creatures mainly because their only encounters with herrings are with dead herrings, carefully arranged in intricate patterns on silver trays. In fact, herrings would much rather have their heads and gills ripped apart and stomped upon by smelly fishermen than be thought the laughing stock of the entire Mediterranean. Herrings have sharp, nasty teeth to handle the big ugly sharks and other irate, cold-blooded, aquatic vertebrates. Other fish quake when herrings are on the prowl. Anyway, the main point, the general gist, the meat and bones, the central idea, the theoretical thesis of this most enlightened paper is this: Contrary to popular thought, herrings do not smoke marijuana and they do not have paranoid delusions. Oh, and they do not read Shakespeare.
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